For Women: How To Ask A Man To Dance

OK, ladies, it's time to take a crash course in how to ask a man to dance. This has been a hot topic of conversation for me at milongas of late and I've learned a few surprising things as a result. I'd say I ask the woman to dance at least 90% of the time. But I'll usually have a couple of women ask me to dance at most milongas and that's fun, too.

Some of you Ladies are already pros at this & have more tandas at milongas than most men. In fact, what I'm listing below is a compilation of great methods women have used in asking me to dance and other methods female friends have told me about.

The Verbal, Direct Method: just ask. He says "yes", great. He says "no", welcome to the men's club (and, increasingly, at milongas in SF, the women's club). Now all you need is a few hundred/thousand more rejections & you'll catch up to the average man in terms of rejections we've collected over the years.

The Verbal, Direct Non-Invite Method: I get this one a couple of times a month. I've just come off the dance floor & am standing there as the next tanda starts. A woman I don't know comes up & strikes up a conversation. We chat for a bit and then she says "I LOVE Di Sarli! Do you?" I get the clue and ask her to dance. So, she's done everything except technically ask me. We tango.

The Verbal, Indirect Non-Invite Method: This one is harder to read, but I like it because it's so friendly. I'm standing near the dance floor, a woman approaches me & strikes up a conversation. She won't make an overt comment like how much she loves the orchestra, so we'll just chat. If I don't need a water break, I'll always ask her to dance. Sometimes she'll say goodbye & move on if I don't ask her to dance first. So, honestly, I'm not 100% sure if she wanted to dance, but I think she usually does in this situation (women--any comments on this that can enlighten me?). Even if she moves on I'll always try to make a point of asking her to dance later in the milonga after my break.

The Non-Verbal, Direct Method: The cabeceo. Most women are very good at inviting men this way, so I won't go into detail about this one. It can be confusing at San Francisco milongas, though, because some women use the cabeceo & some don't. As a result, sometimes I'll ask a woman who is looking my way when in fact she's not in the mood to tango. But generally the cabeceo is helpful for me because I can usually tell which women aren't up for dancing if they're not making any eye contact.

More Milonga Musings:
-If a woman is sitting alone with a man, I'll never ask her to dance because I assume she's on a date with him or that they're married. I'll only ask a woman to dance in this situation if I'm acquainted with her, I'm positive they're not a couple and they've been sitting there a long time.
-The more interested you are in dancing, the closer you should sit to the dance floor. For example, at the milongas at Nora's Tango Week there were 2 rows of seats on one side & I was twice as likely to ask a woman to dance in the front row than the back because it felt like the woman in the back row was less open to dancing (maybe she's taking a break?, maybe she's with someone? etc.).
-Don't sit right next to the door: when I enter a milonga I don't like to stand at the door because I don't want to block people coming in & out of the milonga. This is why I always keep walking to the left or right & ask women away from the door.

Ladies, if you decide to take the plunge and ask a man to dance, please don't let a rejection or two stop you from asking more men. If a man says no, it's his loss. And the more you ask, the more dance partners you'll end up with. Plus, you'll get to meet some really great people.

Of all the invites to tango that I've ever received, one of my all-time favorites was just a few weeks ago at Nora's Tango Week. A lovely, charming senior woman came up to me and asked "Will you be my victim?" I broke out laughing. I've never turned down an invite from a woman to tango anyway, but how could I turn that down? We had a great tanda and I got to meet another fascinating woman. You just can't lose in tango.

So, there we go ladies. I have plenty of female friends whom never have and never will verbally invite a man to dance and that's their prerogative.

But if you want to give it a try, buckle up & go for it. He'll be lucky to tango with you.