the Tango that Never Happened

Life's full of tough choices, my friends. Luckily, the toughest choices we have to make as tangueras & tangueros is who to dance with.

In a small community where everyone knows everyone, there isn't much choice. You just have to dance with everyone or else be considered a snob. You may have your favourites of course, but still. In a larger community or a festival, you can get away with a "list". Please allow me to relate how a "list" came about and how to compile one.

I arrive at a festival or say... a tango community where I happen to be visiting for whatever reasons. The first thing I do is put on my tango shoes. This signals to everyone I am ready to dance. Also this is a great way for making conversations with the ladies, which is of the utmost importance, at least in my esteem. The ladies present at tango festivals have vast amounts of knowledge that is not to be ignored. First things first, compliments are called for. We ladies greatly enjoy receiving compliments and I adore giving compliments as well.

"Great shoes! Are those Comme Il Fauts/Neo Tangos/etc?" Hence the importance of putting on your shoes. This allows other ladies to compliment each other on their shoes and create conversation. Besides, checking out someone's shoes is great fun as well as having them check out yours.

After the great shoes conversation we make more conversation with more personal questions. Then comes the biggie.

"So... please do tell, who are the gentlemen here I should/shouldn't dance with?" Each of us have danced with people who are divine and those less than divine, or even downright scary. Girls like to talk. As for the guys, please do not deny. You guys talk too, just in different ways and not always in the powder room together. Each person has their list of should/shouldn't-dance-with-people. I believe it's important when at a festival or unknown place to find someone who does know and get their intake.

For instance, this has saved me from dancing with a certain gentleman who has a tendency of rendering followers into sacks of potatoes. The girls had warned me and I took their warning to heart. Then later I saw a hapless woman with a pinched face being bandied about the floor like she was the newest bag of cous-cous. I felt bad for her and glad for myself and the girls who warned me. Most important is the Do Not list.

Then there is the must dance with list. This list is generally longer than the Do Not list. Most girls are not mean or evil and do not put a gentleman's name on the Do Not list unless she had a thoroughly miserable time. Also, I firmly believe that the tango world is overall a positive and outwardly looking society and we like to focus on the positives. Sometimes the Must Dance With list is long (a rather wonderful thing) and we can't dance with them all in one night/festival/event. Which presents a dilemma.

And then here's the iffy and tough part. Those on the Must Dance With list we try to get their attention, get introductions, etc. After that, we angle for dances. Sometimes those dances never happen. There have been instances when two incredible dancers, being apprised of each other's talents, become like ships passing in the night. A few women have come up to me and told me of gentlemen, who have been introduced, known and chatted with, who never asks them for dances. Even more bizarre is when these gentlemen turn down the lady when asked.

"I don't understand it. I don't think I'm a bad dancer. Yet he never dances with me."

It begs the question, why won't he dance with me? My answer... who knows? Thinking back upon my experiences, there is this one gentleman whom I see and chat with at all the festivals we see each other, which is several times a year. We seem to have the same schedule and like the same festivals. He is gentlemanly and has good manners and is a great dancer. He's one of those die hard tangueros that will dance until the dawn. He dances with all my friends and we have mutual friends in common. But he has yet to ask me to dance. When I catch his eye, he smiles and leads another lady to the floor. He has never been rude in any way, but he has never indicated he would ever be interested in dancing with me. So why won't he dance with me? Am I not good enough? Maybe he just doesn't like my style. Maybe I'm too short/tall/skinny/fat/etc.

Ladies, please don't do this to yourself. Who knows why he won't dance with you/me and in the end, who cares? There's so many other dancers out there, so many possibilities and so much enjoyment to be had. I spared this gentleman perhaps 15 minutes of my mental space, wondering why. Then a another dancer asks me for a tanda and he's out of my thoughts. Who cares why he won't dance with me? All that matters is that I'm dancing, I'm having a wonderful time - that you are having a wonderful time, meeting people, and hailing to the gods of tango.

Favourites

For the experienced festival goer, an obvious pattern exists among the dancers present. That ever elusive connection of all connections is of course duly sought after, but once found, by god and all that is holy shall not asunder. And the next best thing, the great, great connection, a dancer that fits into our arms and bodies like Linus' blanket, shall too become like Linus' blanket, always with us. This is fortunate for the dancers wrapped up in each other. This is not so fortunate for those who wish to dance with either of them.

The good news is that when we see these favourites of ours, we dance and we dance until someone else peels us apart. And then later in the night we find each other to dance some more. The bad news is that we don't dance with a whole lot of people due to the Linus Blanket monopoly.

At every festival you can see this happening, certain couples remain on the dance floor tanda, after tanda, after tanda. And should you ever see them leave the floor and catch their eye, they're on their way to the restroom! Of course, I may complain here, but I have been guilty of this upon occasion. Okay, more than upon occasion. Sometimes it's just not even the best of the best connections. It could be something else, someone we just enjoy dancing with so much. Maybe it's because you adore the way they hum the music in your ears, or the way your cheek rests against theirs so perfectly.

My personal favourite is a certain gentleman, who shall go unnamed otherwise I'm going to get phone calls, text messages and emails from all over the country, saying "You!". Anyhow, this special gentleman, who is bean pole tall, makes it ever so convenient for me to lay my head against his chest and strain to feel his heartbeat. He moves me effortlessly and I feel like I'm among the clouds. I don't have to strain my neck, or decide where to put my head, for his arms wrap about me as if he would love me forever. It's the perfect head rest I tell you. I haven't always connected perfectly with him, but that head rest is perfect and it's as if I'm dancing in my dreams. And when the tanda ends, he can hear my whisper in his ear, "more please...."

So my dear friends, this is an unsolvable dilemma and I dare you to join it. It is a bit selfish to monopolise someone's time like that, but darling, it's absolutely mutual. And do keep in mind that these favourites probably live far away and can only be met and danced with at festivals. Very often we call each other and say... " meet me in _________ for the festival." So please, do understand. We do dance with other people and I think it is acceptable to ask someone in the lobby to save you a dance. Heck, sometimes I request the dance days in advance! And really, we do try to dance with other people, we make an effort to dance with our mutual friends and those we haven't seen in so long. It's just that sometimes we get caught up in the moment and that moment turns into hours. And if you can't understand, then please accept our situation. And may you find your favourites too.

Our Tango Festivals

We come from all over the globe, driving for hours and even flying for days, arriving not tired, but excited. We leave our world behind, a world at times boring, frustrating, stressful, hectic or even wonderful and blissful, along with our homework, our spouses, the office phone/fax (some of us anyways), our kids and our chores. Regardless, when we arrive we know our other lives begin. This is the moment when our minds register that the possibilities are truly endless. For the experienced festival goer, endless dancers to hold, embrace and enjoy. For the inexperienced tanguero, infinite possibilities for screwing up. But you have to learn some time! Infinite numbers of ganchos and boleos are waiting to happen in a world that befriends, embraces, engages, amuse and entertain us with utter delight.

We are not here to compete but to enjoy. We are not arriving to be the best, but to live the most out of every tango, every milonga and every waltz, to stupefy ourselves into exhaustion and drop dead from dancing. We are not dancing to be number one, but to become a better dancer for ourselves and all of our partners, so that we may live every second of every dance to the height of its nirvana.

In night clubs we may see hip hop and salsa, merengue and bachata as sex on the floor, but in Argentine tango it is not sex, but making love, It is teasing, flirting, quarreling; it is foreplay, after play and every describable meaning in terms of passion. It is what we want it to be, what the music begs to become.

And for us, who travel far and wide for this dance, it is not just a dance. We may lose half our wallets getting there and some our hearts, but gain much more than a dance. We, tangueras and tangueros, gain a whole new network, lifelong friends, even lovers, soulmates and the ultimate - that ever elusive, most perfect connection.

For those that don't tango, the world "connection" is pithy, a bit trifle and certainly passé. For those that do tango, the connection is everything. It is the way we suddenly move, together ever so perfectly in tune, in rhythm, in meldoy and by the end of the tanda, our hearts can be felt across the room, beating as one. Take that ballroom dancers! You literally can feel your partner's heartbeat - because if there is a connection to be had, not even Emily Post can stick a hair between the two of you.

And this strange dance, ever so subtle and addicting (I call it an active form of heroine), becomes more addicting the more we learn. And there is a lot to learn. For many of us we need it at least once per [insert time quantity]. For those of us that don't live in an Argentine tango mecca (you Portland, DC, Boston, Chicago, NYC, Houston fiends!), we have to get our tango fixes in once every month (if work/budget/family allows) or once every other month. For some, once a month, a week - and if you're truly a goner - once a day. Every song you hear on the radio, TV, movies is either tango-able or not worth listening to. All your friends become either tango people or those poor schmucks living half a happy life, but only because they don't know better. Your shoes aren't even exciting anymore if you can't tango in them. Don't even get me started on your wardrobe.

Yet of all these things, these wonderful qualities of tango, cannot begin to compare to the most precious of them all - the tangueros and tangueras, the people who become OUR people. We come together completely unknown, unheard of, but put ourselves, our hearts and our passion and our souls into the loving embrace of another. We move together, we share our embraces and let our bodies connect, sweet like a hug, passionate like a kiss and carefully like a friend. We dance till dusk and take naps so that we may dance till dawn. And when we can't dance anymore we drag ourselves to breakfast... with whomever, from wherever, because we just tangoed for life.

And when we have to leave, as reality rudely interrupts, we will remember, swap photos, trade phone numbers, emails and Facebook, we keep in touch here and there. And when next we tango again, it will be as if we never stopped. Truly, we didn't stop.