Close or Open?

Ladies and Gentlemen - when you have invited/been invited to dance, it is both people's choices to dance close or open.

If you're uncomfortable dancing close embrace, for any reason, look into your partners eyes, smile cordially and put your hands out in front of you in an open embrace. Do not budge. Your arms become a barrier so that the other person has to accept. Should the other person object (clear sign they're disrespectful) you can say...

"I'm not comfortable dancing close embrace..." with you.

"I'd like to try open embrace first..." because you smell like my college roommate's month old laundry. Remember to smile politely.

If you'd like to dance close embrace, then open your arms wide, like you're about to hug the person. Your arms are not in front of you, they are on either side of you, about to accept the other person into your arms. This is the key difference between open and close - in open embrace your arms are in front of you, blocking the other person from entering, in close embrace your arms are open wide ready to invite the person to hug you. And then you lean into them and begin to dance.

Usually I will dance close embrace with a new partner. It's easier to close my eyes and concentrate on finding a connection and maintaining it. When two bodies are melded together, it's easier to find that connection. I generally will want to dance close with a good lead - I want to feel their shoulders, their upper and lower back and really get a sense of where their feet is.

As for why I will dance open embrace - generally if its someone who creeps me out and I've somehow lapsed into momentary insanity and said yes and accepted their dance. I will also dance open if I can't stand a lead's posture (I can't begin to impart how important this is). Bad posture will kill everything in a dance. I will dance open if the lead is a beginner. OR - OR, I will dance open if the lead is really good and I'm dancing tango nuevo to alternative tango music. There are some songs I do not want to dance close to - Tango in Harlem, No Diggity, Fever, etc. I absolutely love alternative tango music and some of them are best danced open, nuevo style.

Posture:

There are many postures in tango, many schools of thought. Pick and choose your own wisely.

If the lead is the Hunchback of Notre Dame, things get real difficult. Many leads from Buenos Aires bend their backs (I can't stand it!), making the female arch her back and stick her butt out. This looks really cool, but kills my lower back. I will upon occasion adopt this posture - if its someone I really want to dance with. If I don't want to arch, then the only connection I have will be from the shoulder where my arm is wrapped around them. This makes it super challenging - sometimes so challenging I give up.

My favourite posture is what I call the hug. When you go to hug someone, you don't stand stiff. The stiff posture is ten times worse than the Hunch or the Bend. It's like dancing with a telephone post. Try pivoting with that. When you hug someone, you lean into them just a tiny bit, so that your chest touches. Then you wrap your arms around them and hug. The hug is comfortable, sweet, sincere and well connected. It is not a squeeze and it is not hugging a pineapple tree. Some men's embrace is so light I wonder if they want to touch me at all. A hug is loving. And so is close embrace.

And some leads will change their embrace depending on the song, the tanda, or their moves. You may not be completely connected/attached at all times. Some men have a preference of having their follows connected at all times, others will allow you to disconnect so that you can do what you need to do. Personally, staying connected for an entire 3 minute song will drench my shirt. Not comfy.

And here's a myth I would like to de-mystify. Tango and connections can be hit or miss. I've danced with some amazing dancers before and felt... blah. Some of my friends have raved about so and so. And when I dance with this amazing so and so - nothing. Meh. Sometimes your connection will be great, but the other person thought it was okay. I've had a few leads fall in love with me when I felt bored. I've danced with some amazing dancers and thought - WTF?

By the by, if you can't have a good connection with your tango teacher, fire him/her. If your teacher can't show you how a good connection feels, they're not for you.

Are You Ever Too Old To Learn Tango?

I was taking the tango class at aMuse gallery recently before the milonga started when I noticed a lively group join us. I didn't know what their occasion was, but these folks had clearly brought the party with them. It was time to change partners and a lovely woman in her sixties rotated to me. She said it was her first time taking a tango class, so I asked her why she'd chosen tonight. She replied that she was there with her husband because it was his 80th birthday. He'd wanted to try tango for years and finally he decided it was time. So, a month earlier he told his wife he only wanted one present for his birthday--to take her tango dancing.

And so he did.

And when their daughter heard they were going, she and her husband drove a couple of hours from down south to share this great occasion with her parents. From the moment this party floated into the milonga until they left hours later they were like a bottle of great champagne wafting around the gallery--you couldn't help but notice the joy bubbling from them.

I had a blast watching the birthday boy and his beautiful wife tango. They weren't concerned about steps or moves or looking good for anyone else (there should be a tango blog about how to achieve this!). Actually, I'm not sure they even noticed anyone else around them--all they seemed to care about was having a great time together.

That, and holding each other in a close embrace...tango after tango.

the Tango that Changes

A dear friend brought something up that was very interesting to me...

There are people we like to dance with and people we don't enjoy dancing with so much. Perhaps there are people we once enjoyed dancing with, but not so much anymore. What happens?

There are people, I've seen this, though have never been apart of this experience, that dance with someone very nicely. But one day they don't dance anymore. Good friends all of a sudden become not so good, because they stop talking to you at tango functions, so as to discourage you from asking them to dance. Huh?

This confounded me for a moment. Thinking back on all my tango friends, the ones I danced with as a beginner, as an intermediate, as a friend, as a lover, as a girlfriend and as an ex. I still dance with a few of my exes when I do happen to see them. We still have that connection. For me, the connection never goes away.

But for others, it is not always the same. J told me that he has experienced changes in connections. Someone he once connected with he may not connect with so well after a few weeks, months, etc. And since the connection is not really there anymore, they discourage chatting, so as to discourage him from asking them to dance O.o

Rather fickle I think. And hardly the kind of dancers I want to dance with. I dance because I love to dance, I dance because it is fun, because I am enjoying the music and I enjoy the person I am with. There are some friends of mine who don't dance very well, their embrace is not as comfortable as it could be, or they try too many tricks, etc. But I don't discourage them from being my friend, nor do I discourage them from asking me to dance.

Sad.

3 Surprises To Expect In Your First Tango Class

Recently I brought a great friend of mine to her first tango class. She loved it, but it wasn't what she was expecting. Why is that? Well, there were 3 main reasons, which I'm listing below. In your first class you'll notice that:

1. Tango isn't as romantic in the first lesson as it appears in performances or on TV. My friend said in the beginning of the class she was so focused on learning the steps, connecting with & following her partner that the romance of the dance was the last thing in her mind. But by the end of the hour she felt like she was getting the basics down well enough to feel like she was finding a tango groove.

2. Tango is more challenging than expected at first. My friend felt that since the professionals make it all look so easy that it would be easy for her, too. Well, it wasn't easy at first, but she did an awesome job of catching on quickly & by the end of our hour she was doing a number of moves with style.

3. The close embrace is, well, close. If you're thinking about trying tango for the first time you should know that most people dance in either an open embrace or a close embrace. The open embrace is typically used in what is called Nuevo Tango and it's very easy to adjust to because you're dancing with your partner nearly at arms length. But then there's close embrace, which is tango's other option. I'll always remember my introduction to close embrace because it was the first Argentine tango lesson of my life. The class started and a woman I'd never met before leaned forward into a close embrace with me. Although I liked it, I thought it was a little forward on her part given that we'd just me. Little did I know that this was normal and exactly what the close embrace is supposed to be--close. Now that I've been dancing tango for a bit I can tell you that I prefer close embrace most of the time, but it takes some time to to get used to it.

Who Needs Speed Dating When We Have Tango?

OK, first of all two disclosures: (a) I've never tried speed dating, (b) a lot of folks that tango are either married, in a relationship, or single, but not looking. They come to milongas because they love to tango and meet great people. But there are some single folks that are open to meeting the right person and for any of you thinking of trying speed dating instead, let me tell you that tango is the answer. Why? We'll let's do a comparison for fun:

What's going on?
Speed dating: two people who have never met sit across from each other for 3 minutes
Tango: two people who have never met take each other into a close embrace and tango for 3 minutes

What happens after 3 minutes?
Speed dating: even if you want to keep talking to the person, you have to move to the next person. The system dictates.
Tango: after the first tango, you get three more! Then comes the cortina, but you can always dance another tanda or find each other later for more tango. You and your partner decide.

Sounds of the evening
Speed dating: every three minutes someone rings a bell
Tango: you get to enjoy hours of great tango music from Di Sarli, Pugliese, Gardel, Gotan Project, Trio Garufa...

What happens if the two people aren't interested in being more than friends?
Speed dating: Nothing. Contact info is only exchanged for those interested in dating.
Tango: Great! That's the norm anyway--just keep tangoing & enjoy your new friendship. I've made more new friends over the past year from tango than from anything else in life.

What will tango tell me about compatility? Dance a tango together & then ask yourself these questions:
-how well do you work together?
-is your tango based on give and take?
-how do you both react when the inevitable challenges arise (you step on your partner's foot, a couple bumps into you, you just aren't feeling a certain tango & you have a bad dance...)? Does this cause tension between the two of you or do you both laugh it off?
-how comfortable are you two in a close embrace?

Winner?
It's tango by a TKO! I could go on but this feels like piling on. If this was a little league baseball game it would be called by the "mercy rule".

Tango wins, yet again.

Tango Rejuvination

A long day at work, a longer drive from Marin back to San Francisco, I'm not feeling energetic about doing a tango class as I finally find a parking spot. I slowly get out of my car and feel the chill in the air. But across the street I hear a slow, alluring tango floating out of the studio, down the sidewalk, around the faces sitting next to each other at the tables in front of a French cafe, the notes linger there enjoying the conversation, finally they turn red and yellow and flow inside Coleur restaurant where they mix with blue salsa notes swimming upstream.

I'm inside the studio now & I feel the warmth of the people. I look around & realize this class is so San Francisco...such a wonderful mix of people it feels like the UN, but with better dancers. A tall African-American woman glides through backward ochos while her face beams. To her right is a short, semingly shy Asian-American woman wearing glasses who has just rotated to a tall Caucasian man. He is so happy to see her he picks her up in a big bear hug & her feet are now dangling three feet off the ground, which breaks through her shell & she can no longer contain the big grin that spreads across her delicate face. To her right is an Italian man talking to himself as he repeats the leader's steps over & over again. His face is intense with focus at first, but then slowly relaxes as he gets better at the move with each run through.

I'm feeling rejuvinated now. This class is about to end and I'm ready for mine to start. Christy Cote is teaching the class how to cabeceo in her usual endearing way. The class takes partners as they begin their last dance, full of joy to tango, but sad it's their last of the night. Their class ends, mine begins. I'm energized now by the music and friends. I walk to one of my favorite partners and we take each other into a close embrace for our warmup tango. I'm very happy to be here...

Your Close Embrace With Victoria and Sappho

I want to take a moment between tandas to thank all of you who keep coming back to our tango Confessions. To be honest with you, I'm surprised how quickly our community is growing here. But from the emails you've sent me, it's clear that you're embracing Victoria's poems and Sappho's openness as if they're the last tango of the night.

I hear La Cumparsita* in the background, but that's ok--we'll meet again at tomorrow's milonga.

Las Poemas

These poems are inspired by the many wonderful and generous leaders who have invited me through the threshold of Tango-and shown me new vistas, new insights into themselves, myself and this way of life called the Tango. For all the times I’ve stepped on your toes, missed your lead, or just plain screwed up---forgive me. Thank you for your patience, playfulness and willingness to explore new ways of moving together as we wander down the intricate and amazing path of Tango for a tanda or two. You are all my teachers.

Rumi speaks of the Divine Lover behind the veil of each of our lovers.

If the Beloved is everywhere,

The lover is a veil,

But when living itself becomes the Friend,

Lovers disappear.

Rumi, translation by Coleman Barks

These haiku and poems are dedicated to my dance partners- each a veil behind which I catch a glimpse, feel the embrace, inhale the intoxicating fragrance of the Divine and Dancing Presence of the Beloved at play in the universe.
Namasté.

Close Embrace

Dancing cheek to cheek

our bodies melt and glisten,

I fall into cloud.

Driving Through The Fog To The Verdi Club

I'm driving alone through the dark hills of Marin at night. As I fly out of the tunnel there's so much fog I can't even see the city-I barely make out the top of the reddish orange Golden Gate Bridge as it floats above the Bay. As I cross the bridge, the two towers are tangoing together, their steel arms intertwined in a permanent embrace. I look to my right, but the mist is so thick the Pacific ocean is invisible below. This high up in the clouds the only thing I hear are the lonely notes of Poema*. Feeling my way through the fog towards La Sonrisa*, her lighthouse beckons me as I drift through the cypresses of the Presidio forest. She guides me into safe harbor as I finally see the Verdi Club in the distance and her yellow neon winged harp perched out front above her nest. As soon as she sees me she takes flight in my direction, taking me under her wing and guiding me inside with a knowing smile...I slowly scan the room and through the haze of tangueras* I see her across the floor--she of the great connection. She's talking with a girlfriend, laughing...I forgot how much her smile lights up a milonga*. After a few moments we make eye contact, I cabeceo* and she accepts with a hard-to-read grin. I walk to her, we slowly embrace, I step to my left and she glides with me as we dive into the fog together...

Have You Been Infatuated With A Tango Partner?

Is it possible to fall in love with a woman during a three minute tango? Maybe not, although I have a friend from school who went on a blind date and got engaged that evening. Sounds crazy, I know, but she & her husband are still happily married 19 years out with 3 kids. So, while that's a once-in-a-lifetime rarity, I do know I've become infatuated a few times with a follower and it's normally not what you would expect. Meaning, it's usually not the most beautiful woman in the room (although what woman isn't beautiful when dancing tango?). What I'm trying to say is it's more about the connection we have as we embrace, the give and take we have during our tango, her generous patience as I screw up yet another move, and her being present with me and the song during our brief time together. Men, when a woman gives you all that, how could we not be infatuated with her during those few bright, shining minutes?

My First Confession: My Tango With Rebecca

Dancing tango with Rebecca in San Francisco feels a lot like this city--she's beautiful to look at, I fall into a fog when we take each other into our close embrace, and then the last notes of each song slowly jar me out of my trance just like the Sunday night foghorns in the Pacific that wake me from my dreams...